Taking Inventory

I have decided that I am having a midlife crisis. I turn 40 this year and it seems like I have been spending a great deal of time taking inventory of my life and feeling unfulfilled. I regret not applying myself more in college and finding out what I really wanted as my vocation. I watch "House Hunters International" and bemoan the fact that I never studied abroad when I was in college and fully immersed myself in another culture and its language.

With this in mind, I have decided to try and do and accomplish some of the things I put on the back burner. I am going to look into renewing my understanding of Spanish. I am also not going to sit around and wait for the right moment to go see a baseball game or attend a concert. I will take the boys on a trip this summer and allow them to be silly and carefree; to be kids. Taking dance lessons with my love is on the list as well. My biggest ambition is to save the funds to travel to Europe.

I was a camp counselor for an exclusive all girls camp in the summer of 1993 and formed a great friendship with Alison, a Brit I have affectionately deemed "limey". She returned to The States the summer of 1994 and I took her around my stomping grounds. That was the last time we saw one another. She has made it perfectly clear that I am welcome to stay with her if and when I get the means to simply board the plane and travel across the pond.

The problem with the goals I have set is that they involve money. I only dreamed of being wealthy when I was a child and thought there was great importance in accumulating wealth. I no longer have that desire, but I also acknowledge that my part-time, meager paying job is not up to snuff to fund any of my desired adventures. This is where the backward glance and forward hope has me completely frustrated with my present situation.

Every summer I have told the boys that I want to take them fun places and experience adventures with them and every summer I fall short. Rather than dwelling in the frustration, I need it to transform into motivation and determination to make dreams become reality. For the most part, my dreams are simple and attainable but my mind often tries desperately to grasp the entire picture and it leaves me overwhelmed.  I'm slowly learning that I need to break the big picture into smaller pictures. I have started this learning process when it comes to running longer distances, now I need to apply it to every aspect of my life.

So I start this day with the intention of moving forward and only gleaning from the backward glances for the purposes of wisdom.