I wrote in my journal this morning and I mean literally wrote-two hard covers with blank pages between and a pen. I refrain from doing so regularly because I type considerably faster than I write and I can keep pace with my thoughts better. Using a laptop borrowed from work and no wifi deems it necessary to go about things the old fashioned way.
I have been struck by multiple things in the last couple of weeks and just wasn't coping very well. First, I have a 12-year-old son teetering on the edge of teenagedom and all the trappings of a changing voice and pimples. He is also having trouble accepting the fact that school starts soon. He is not suffering from the normal end of summer blues, but full blown depression about the coming school year. Math is a very difficult subject for him and I know how difficult it is for him to sit still and focus through an entire hour of class.
Coping with life changes is part of life for a parent, but just when I needed a good friend most, I didn't have one to turn to. I've long befriended boys/men because I'm not a girly girl and I enjoy being rather uncouth at times. So knowing I could not talk to my closest friend was completely heartbreaking. The thing about wanting to contact him was not just about crying about the heartache I'm suffering because of my boy hurting, but I desperately wanted a few hours to forget about the pain. I just wanted to watch a movie or grab a beer but I have been sidelined. It's not just backing away for a while, it is essentially being dumped.
I hold my friends in high esteem and feel they are just part of my larger family. I am a generous friend with my time and gifts. I never go into a friendship wondering what I might get in return for the things I so love to give, but I am also aware that all relationships are two way streets and you stick through it in good times and in bad. I am no fair weather friend and need to learn and accept that some people just are. I hope that I awaken tomorrow morning with a clear vision of who should remain in my life and who might be better a memory.
