Yesterday was my dad's 82nd birthday but it also marked the 10th anniversary of changing life for Xander and I forever.
I faced April 2, 2003 with mixed emotions and monumental decisions that would affect the lives of many people. My amazing sister friend, Genelle drove us to the Amtrak station in Portland to embark on the next portion of my journey. I was met there with a heavy-hearted Will and Connie. They were there to see their only grandchild off, never knowing when they would see him again. I had come to hold them in my heart as surrogate parents, people who loved me unconditionally, people who adored their grandchild and only wanted to see him happy and successful.
Bag slung over my shoulder, my 3-year-old on my hip and a suitcase lay at my feet while I contemplated separating a child from his father. For me the decision was perfectly clear, but deciding for Xander was muddier. I was profoundly naive to the demons haunting Xander's father and was only able to react to the effects of his addiction-unreliable, angry and self-destructive. I had once promised Gene I would never be the wedge between he and Xander but that was before his downward spiral into drug use.
I long ago decided that I could no longer be an active part of Gene's life. After the vicious name calling, the shoves, the yelling, the threats of seeing my demise and removing the one ray of light from my life, I knew I could never subject myself to that pain anymore. I didn't want my son to grow up thinking what he observed was a healthy relationship or the roles of men and women in life. A final visit by police made the decision for me. I ordered my train tickets and made the heart wrenching call to Will and Connie that Xander and I would be heading east on April 2. It was my dad's birthday and one for me as well.
There was a thunderstorm that day and it was only the second I could recall occurring in the four years I had lived in Oregon. It seemed almost cliche but cathartic all at once. Connie handed me an envelope and ask that I not open it until we had left the station. Will escorted Xander and I on the train and loaded my suitcase. Four years and only a suitcase of belongings, but more importantly I had my ray of light through the storm.
The train lurched forward and my phone buzzed with a text message from Genelle. Her words are seared in my brain even 10 years later, "Breathe deep my friend, you're free." Reading that and having the realization sink in transformed into a guttural sob long dammed by fear and anger. I wiped my eyes and opened the envelope I had been clutching to my heart. I immediately recognized the script, it was Connie's sadness and hope in blue ink and the generosity I had always been shown. Grammy Connie and Papa Will were deeply saddened by our departure but more than anything they wanted to see Xander and I happy and thriving. I dissolved again into pools of tears.
I have no idea if the other passengers were paying me any mind and I didn't care. I was finally breaking free from the fear and hurt that had long weighed me down into a shell of a woman. Dreams were starting to form. I knew life was going to be difficult, but I had unshackled myself from an empty and painful life.
Ten years later and I can say that life is good. Perfect? Certainly not, but I love my job, my boys are happy and healthy and I have made and nurtured amazing friendships. It is my hope that life will continue to be a blessing that I don't take for granted. I have long ago forgiven Gene of his actions and I am so happy that his life is moving in such a positive and forward direction. He is marrying a strong woman and has three beautiful daughters. I'm in a good place and I hope to someday share life's memories with someone.
Take stock of life and realize just how much beauty outweighs the ugly.
