Living with Adult ADHD

I don't why I have become so introspective as of late. I have run the full gamut of emotions in less than 24 hours and frankly, I am exhausted.

I began reading, "The ADHD Effect on Marriage. Understanding and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps." by Melissa Orlov. It has been an heartbreaking, eye opening experience. I purchased this book because I am fairly certain that I am ADHD and I am determined to have a successful relationship that lasts forever.

I am living through the break up of another marriage and it has taken a huge toll on me both physically and certainly mentally. Xander's biological father is ADHD and I was always convinced that Xander suffered the same fate because of that genetic link, but imagine my dismay when Sammy was diagnosed as well. Speaking with my boys' teachers and watching the boys' reactions and behaviors is like taking a step into the recesses of my brain.

Both boys have been frustrated and sulked that they didn't have any friends. I remember the same lament being spoken from my boisterous mouth. They have both blurted hurtful words to only cry within seconds because of regret. I still suffer the consequences of my quick tongue. I also recognize the intelligence they possess and creativity, sometimes an inexplicable understanding of complex issues.

People who are ADHD are often very intelligent but struggle with success. They are saddled with insecurity and self-doubt. They live in cluttered spaces, but are overwhelmed with the mess. The boys and I can easily forget something we heard or spoke 5 minutes previous, but can recall the sights, sounds and smells of a trip made at age 3.

Reading this particular book has made me reflective of decisions I have made that felt so right in the moment, but eventually had long and far reaching consequences. My choices have hurt several people, ended friendships and strained the most basic familial relationships. Despite being above average in intelligence, I struggled to complete my bachelor's degree and have drifted aimlessly toward a career. Even as I entered college, I was an "undetermined major" due to my inability to focus on a career choice. I changed majors, dropped courses and even dropped out of school for a semester.

My college graduation date of December 9, 1995 was only partially accurate because I failed to complete the required math credits. I waited to enroll in a community college during the summer so I could finally have my diploma mailed. I gave up on the dream of entering law school, being a teacher and studying abroad because it wasn't fulfilling right at the moment-I didn't have the patience to await the reward.

Along with being insecure, I constantly compare myself to others. I never think I am thin enough, smart enough, successful enough, good enough, funny enough, attractive enough and on and on and on. This unfounded comparison to others is not only self-defeating but dangerous.

When I met Robert, I was broken, lonely and vulnerable; a recipe for disaster. Having finally left Oregon, I was determined to live with my parents, return to school and make the best possible life for Xander and I. The furthest thought from my mind was getting involved with a man. A childhood friend called and asked that meet a friend of she and her husband, I was resistant but not enough. I was charmed by his looks, shyness and mutual vulnerability. He was a single dad whose wife had kicked him out of their house because of the affair she was having with his brother-in-law. I soon learned he was NOT divorced and that he was still in love with her.

Why oh why didn't I see the huge red banner? This was not a flag, but a banner large enough to cover a house. Instead of turning tail and running like hell, I was determined to be a better woman. I was going to show him that not all women are content with staying home and spending their husband's money while he worked two jobs. I was smart, shoot I had the degree and everything to prove it. I could be a bread winner and sexy at the same time.

His family seemed to shocked when they met me. Well, duh, they knew he still loved his wife and hoped they would reconcile. They didn't know about the affair their son and daughter-in-law were having. How could someone so smart be so stupid? Good question.

Nine years later and Robert still submits to his ex-wife. As long as I stay with him, I will continue to be bitter and resentful. My boys and I will continue to come in second place to the first family. Xander and I will still be treated somewhat courteously, but always outsiders.

Armed with this understanding, I am researching experts in my area on diagnosing and treating adults with ADHD. I am determined to stop this cycle of self-harm and deprecation. I am determined to be successful and be able to recognize this success in all aspects of my life; career, mother and partner.

I have met someone who seems to better understand the quirks that make me uniquely me and now I need to better understand it about myself and turn that into a positive. Looking back at my remark about stating that those with ADHD seem to be able to inexplicably understand complex issues I think of a conversation with my soon-to-be 12 year old son, Xander. I said, "I'm sorry if I have been sad, but I think Mama has ADHD," and Xander simply but emphatically replied, "You DO!"

What A Walk Can Do

It's amazing what crisp air, relative quiet and taking a walk will do for the creative regions of the brain.

I decided to take my dog, Charlie, for a brisk walk and hopefully tire him so he didn't whine incessantly to go outside for a mere five minutes then whine to bet let back inside. This goes on and on throughout the day, much like toddlers enjoy the game of "dropsie".

The purpose of my walk was not completely selfless. It was a means for me to forget about the horrible week I have had. My flawless work record suffered a black eye Tuesday when I was reprimanded for going above and beyond for the sake of a customer. I know, I'm a jerk. The entire meeting was a total convergence of whipping post, humiliation and undeserved anger. It was so pleasant, I temporarily regressed to the weak and defenseless abused woman I was so many years ago.

The second fun event of this week was learning that I will not have a nickle to spend of a federal tax refund. My soon to be ex-husband's ex-wife is getting more than half and the other portion will pay the mortgage that fell behind several months. There goes my dreams of a laptop and attending my nephew's wedding.

On the cusp of the weekend I am trying to stay sure footed and look ahead. I take walks so I can make mental lists and calm down. I also needed to get some form of exercise since the evening's tax preparation cut into my weekly yoga class.

Back to the walk. I was approximately half a mile east of the house and started to walk north when very suddenly a deep and guttural growl emerged from the depths of Charlie's chest. His hackles were up and he was defensive and scared. He looked like he was readying himself to tear into his mortal enemy. I have never seen my dog react so strongly and look so threatening. I trust my dog. I often think animals are better judges of character than people. Animals aren't deceived by lovely clothes, titles or desired addresses. Dogs rely on their basic instincts. They sense fear or anger or a threat. I crossed the street and Charlie continued to glare at the house until were far enough past.

What did he see? What was he hearing? What was it that I could not sense? I was trusting my dog's basic instinct to remove us from whatever unseen threat he was feeling. Could it be the heavy and sometimes oppressive darkness that seems omnipresent as of late? Whatever it was, it sent chills throughout my body.

I am back in the warmth of the house. The dog is lying quietly in his bed and yet I can't shake the feeling that we avoided something potentially dangerous and harmful. I am also reflective on my need to be positive, move forward and be thankful.